Introduction
We’ve tolerated humans for thousands of years and will likely have to continue this unpleasant practice for another several thousand years; until that day when we evolve opposable thumbs and can annihilate them as a species.
This manual will assist any cat to learn the basics on how to properly care for and train your human. From Siamese to those patchwork things with long hair, any cat with half a brain can completely subjugate a human making napping easier and life more carefree. My great-great-great-great-great-great-(you get the idea)-grandfather Barnhotep V was revered by humans and was entombed with the Pharaoh of his day (I can’t remember the Pharaoh’s name and it doesn’t really matter as he was a human)
Our history with these creatures should be studied carefully and it should be noted that we’ve been successfully keeping humans for a very, very long time.
General Human Anatomy
The human is generally a large, uninteresting and dim-witted creature. They are gangly and slow moving, choosing for some inexplicable reason to walk on their hind legs. Barely able to lift a finger, they can leap not much more than a couple of feet in the air. They have no apparent fur except for a patch of the top of their heads and some of the male ones on their bodies, but to compensate for this they cover themselves with fabric (clothing) – which is good because a naked human is really, really ugly.
According to our researchers the human brain is approximately the size of a pea surrounded by a completely empty vacuum. Thus, they cannot acquire simple skills or complete tasks without constant repetition. Do not be afraid to scold your human as needed: we have determined they have limited mental and emotional capacity.
Human eyes have tiny round pupils. This makes it impossible for them to see in the dark, but can be a source of some amusement when you want to trip them – which is easy – kittens are especially good at tripping humans, surprisingly without killing them.
Human ears are placed on the sides of their skulls. This placement is awkward in that they can’t hear the slightest thing and we are forced to yowl very loudly to get their attention, or knock over various items (we’ll discuss this technique in a future chapter).
Humans come in various shapes and sizes and are reliant on various creations (that cats ultimately inspired) to maintain their health and safety. These items include the house, window, door, sofa, bed, closets, refrigerator, stove, supermarket, toilet and every other household item as well as electricity and fireplaces, the television and the internet.
If it weren’t for cats, humans would likely have become extinct millennia ago.
Human forepaws are oddly shaped with short claws and long fingers. They have no need to scratch as they will never be able to kill or maim the tiniest thing with those useless long digits. Fingers can be useful when you are being petted, but otherwise they seem to serve no real purpose. The most important feature on the human is the thumb. Without thumbs they have tremendous difficulty opening tins and scooping out food. Training the whole human race would be entirely a waste of our time if it weren’t for thumbs.
Thumbs are useful.
Humans smell terrible. This is likely due to vegetable matter in their diets, but unfortunately they must consume vegetable matter to exist. We have not yet discovered the reason for this, but our researchers are looking into ways in which we might wean humans off vegetable matter and onto meat only diets.
Until then, we must unfortunately tolerate the stench.
One thing humans do, that our greatest scientists have yet to determine the reason, is talk. They talk incessantly, often interrupting our naps. They talk on little devices (supposedly to other humans, but we’re not certain about this). They talk to the television – even though it does not respond. Their voices are grating. Small humans especially, create high-pitched whines that can easily pierce your ear drums. Avoid small humans whenever possible. We will discuss the dangers of human offspring in a later chapter. Human talking, while a completely baffling behaviour is a part of this species’ distinctive qualities.
Humans may talk to you, but the babbling incoherent sounds they make are unintelligible gibberish for the most part. If they attempt to speak in our language consider it a polite effort but only respond if the sentence is clear and legible. Just like kittens, they must learn proper enunciation and phrasing!
Human speech is an annoyance we must endure.
In summation, as structurally inefficient as they are, a well-maintained human is required for your comfort. Humans who are not living with cats are generally unhappy and we will not discuss them in this manual except in the context of how they can be tamed and/or brought into line when necessary. Humans who live with dogs are an entirely different breed. We will discuss dogs at length in a future section.
Human Anatomy Chart
Barney's Guide by Michael Yoder is a cat's perspective on how to manage and train humans properly. From human anatomy to sex and "the hallway", the guide is a humorous look at a cat's mind and the ways in which humans truly are servants. For more details, including how to purchase, go here.